CONTENT NOTICE
TRIGGER WARNING
#Sexual Assault Recovery
#Rape References ā no details
#Mental Health
#Emotional Abuse
This Blog First Appeared 8 March 2019
A ‘kindly’ DM from a follower recommending I read a blog post. I was cautious as I generally disregard bloggers that refuse point blank or rarely use CW on any of their posts.
I read the piece after being assured it was not detailed or contained ātriggersā (some catch me out to be fair, the subject of TW & CW have a widespread school of opinions)
It was the way my brain processed not having sexual trauma memories for many years, (as I thought it was all my responsibility) then being tricked by the mindWizard [mW], to trust him and pull every secret, fear and frustration from me (to later) use against me.
Iām mostly āat peaceā with the different rapes.
The counselling unlocked/clarified and acknowledged what mindWizard had done.
Finally admitting way too late to my therapist that I am a submissive female helped me to understand that I wasnāt falling apart or going crazy.
On discovering my submission and finally hearing that the non consensual parts of d/s was not normal behaviour and has turned me into a craving mess desperate for his approval and his acceptance. Having him throw me crumbs of attention when convenient for him (no one better in his cross hairs), the adrenaline surges had unlocked the addiction to him.
The majority of his behaviour, attitude and conversations with him were not always healthy D/s ways.
This I now know, is emotional, mental and sexual abuse.
Active regular Consent and understanding what Iād agreed to was not given.
This is what Iām working through now. The biggest betrayal. I was saying the other day to melodyInsights.com that all my blogs are based around Narc abuse.
I donāt even recognise itās me. From that place forward I lost connection with my former @ because many knew the identity of the man. They didnāt take sides. Mostly refusing to believe my words/pain.
I became Swirly
Instead of responding to the DM, my mind swirled into the following āopen blog letterā
This is how I was 6 years ago. Coping mechanisms but totally oblivious why I felt the way I did
Totally oblivious to all the episodes of trauma Iād permanently locked away.
I was:
Numb
Disconnected (which appears to now be my writing style)
Passive aggressive (but didnāt know i was)
A Bitch ā which I did know but not the cause
Sad
Lonely
Restless
Dispassionate
Unsympathetic
And more numb
The only way to get through these states are to make one of two choices:
Stay exactly as one is unhappy/mentally unhealthy/lonely and living in sweet sweet denial ā repeating bad habits and hiding from your truth
OR
Take time to research the best type of counselling.
If one is in pain but doesnāt know why then therapy will force attention to find, address then work through the reasons THEN figure out how to heal
Its fucking painful.
Its grieving in ways youāll never understand if youāve been fortunate to live a charmed life devoid of trauma* (*sexual assault/Rape).
The pain is unlike any other. Memory retrieval where returning facts are unannounced.
Its insidious the way life experiences creep into oneās mind and feels as though theyāll all but destroy.
The trauma memories will beat you into pulp.
THEN you get to the stage Iām at ā knowing what happenedā¦. working through it. Listening to the doubts questions and memories resurfacing and swirling in your brain/consciousness.
And only then youāll be working bloody hard (with the therapist, journaling , support groups, etc) to rebuild whatās left of your life to start again.
To Build new healthy foundations;
Learn what boundaries are and which ones are needed.
Struggling to put all the shatterred pieces back together again
You can choose the best way forward for yourself.
For those that are reading this and have been taken into the confidence of a survivor ā I have some thoughts you should try to remember.
If you are taken into that part of your friendās life then be sure youāre strong enough to support them, then do so. Under no circumstances be a fairweather or flaky friend or a nosey acquaintance that vanishes when the ride gets bumpy. Be constant and available when your friend is ready to talk, often repeating themselves as part of their processing or do both of you a massive kindness and stay the hell away from being a trusted confidante. Be all in or all out.
Continue holding their hand, help by making it an easy pathway and be unshakeable with your support whilst they navigate their ultimate journey through living and waking Hell.
I donāt have any real life in person friends to provide support.
Iāve relied (at times stupidly) on Twitter pals for support.
These Twitter friends are not qualified or able to solve my issues. Iāve never once expected them to fully understand or to offer advice.
Just to listen on the rare occasions Iām ready to talkā¦.
Those that are familiar with me before during and following all the counselling Iāve had assure me they see positive changes. Counselling may not be for everybody. I would definitely recommend a few sessions for those overwhelmed or easily triggered. Itās not a cure all in itās own merit. Itās an investment towards the rest of your life and your sanity/good mental health.
I donāt see myself in focus most of the time.
Iām a better person now for their support.
This is definitely not a doom and gloom piece.
Its saying thatās who I once was
Iām working on the future me
Itās not easy
Its difficult to work through why ones decisions were bad choices and how it takes time to think about yourself differently.
On a positive note ā the strength Iāve gained through trauma therapy and unwavering support from two amazing Twitter folk ā Iāve been approached to be part of a local Police forum to improve procedures for those that choose to not report sex crimes.
I donāt feel brave
It fills me with sadness.
I feel however, itās the right thing to do.
I Wouldnāt want any of you to have the life Iāve had to date
For anyone currently struggling without support or somebody to turn to
Here are some contact numbers :
SARCs ā Sexual Assault Referral Centres ā The Survivors Trust ā 0808 801 0818
Find Rape and sexual assault referral centres services ā NHS
@Swirlingfire, 8 March 2019
update 1 Feb 2023 my recovery is ongoing. intrusive memories are far less frequent although nightmares do trawl up information that was best left forgotten. my rape counselling finished a long time ago. I have the option to return should i feel it necessary. unfortunately, the steering group liasing with Police and associated services was axed before it ever started.
Ive added current internet links below for 2023, all genders, sexualities , BAME links and child support survivors
Male Survivors – https://www.survivorsuk.org/
nhs https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/
LGBTQ+ ttps://www.thebridgeway.org.uk/who-is-it-for/lgbtq/#
contains many links including child rape and assault https://sexualabusesupport.campaign.gov.uk/
sarc centres uk https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/
Thankyou for the original comments left in 2019
Marie RebelleMarch 11, 2019 @ 7:39 pmYou are an incredibly strong person for coming as far as you have.Rebel xoxLoading…REPLY
Posy ChurchgateMarch 10, 2019 @ 10:41 pmYou have come so far, and to be able to offer advice and help on something which is still causing you so much pain and emotional disturbance is really an achievement. Strong lady. xxLoading…REPLY
eyeMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:35 pmI know you donāt feel brave Swirly , and I know I have experienced some but not all of the things you have spoken about here, but for me the fact that you do keep going is extreme bravery and I just want to acknowledge it xLoading…REPLY
melodyinsightsMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:48 pmAs āeditorā I tend to stay out of comments. However, youāve pinpointed one of the main reasons why Swirly has this space. The bravery to keep going and trying needed to be acknowledged.Loading…REPLY
SwirlingFireMarch 10, 2019 @ 8:58 pmThankyou very much to both of you for support and kind words in my darkest hours
SwirlingFire 