Those of you that may have read my past blogs are already aware of my backstory …… years of emotional trauma , psychological and physical abuse ….. im no different to thousands of other people that have, sadly, personal experience of facing the past and dealing with it head on
The table wobbled and tipped up, seconds fell away in slow motion until the chair, table and floor were saturated with a very large cup of boiling mocha. I was prepared to hear the typically British ‘wayhaayyyy’ and teasing shout-outs , my cheeks burning red hot, simultaneously frozen to the spot.
Being the centre of unwanted attention is nothing new to me [ We can come back to this another day] . The staff members were very gracious and speedy to clear away the hot sticky dripping mess whilst another teased – ‘ cant take you anywhere’ with a smile, whilst making me a replacement mocha without additional charge. This was the exact recalled moment of embarrassed humiliation ( whilst also having the ability to laugh at myself for being a clumsy twit). It was then that reality hit me. An upper cut punch straight in the feels.
Am i addicted to chaos ?
Those of you that may have read my past blogs are already aware of my backstory …… years of emotional trauma , psychological and physical abuse ….. I’m no different to thousands of other people that have, sadly, personal experience of facing the past and learning to deal with it head on.
I’m very fortunate that i was able to attend #SARC https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc counselling programme fairly quickly after 24 weeks of intense counselling. Also, I have an open offer, when ready in Trauma counselling. https://www.thepalmeirapractice.org.uk/expertise/2017/2/20/what-is-trauma-counselling Its a far more intense version of reliving, second by second, actual events in my past. I obviously have auto responses to external situations . For the most part, i am able to navigate myself through the day. I don’t laugh as much as i once did, although, with the stresses of living in the UK right now, who does?! I more often that not, attempt to avoid eye contact with strangers. Prescription sunglasses in all weathers are my current saviour.
For the most part, i have been taught how to harness a calmer state in the ‘ here and now’, not descend into a full scale meltdown in public. Recently I’ve found my voice with strangers in public. Reflecting on those occasions today, every time I’ve spoken up, it’s been to come to the aid of another, younger female, that was cornered or leered at by male gaze and entitlement.
I feel we should step in as bystanders and advocate for those that require support. Those that don’t are complicit in continuing the cycle of misogynistic entitlement and future assaults?
Stepping into three separate incidents last month was either brave or potentially foolhardy on my part. However, allowing sexually abusive behaviour to continue without addressing it makes this more likely that man will escalate. Each young girl was visibly shaken and tearful, my rage was my driver. I wonder, did i do it for those young women or was it a selfish act??
A small personal victory To shout at the men that, i once felt was my own responsibility, i allowed them to behave so badly .
Perhaps it wasn’t such an altruistic gesture and yes, i would absolutely act this way again, to stand up and defend those not yet able to protect their own boundaries.
In a world that is reaching impending collapse in many sectors of trade, commerce and industry , who do we turn to for guidance?
Throughout the time I’ve remained on social media, the more I observe a character collapse or, am i seeing folk for whom they are in real life?
Real faces hidden behind the surgical masks yet their actions and words or more often their silence, cannot hide their true intent and non authentic selves??
When I have questions for the True North, the only answers provided are from the corrupt, low lifes with golden charm and forked tongue.
Good or Evil, Right or wrong, fact or fiction are “used synonymously” to mete the best defence and gain the best income streams to elevate an already immoral high ground.
The moral compass is a thing of the past and we allow ourselves to accept gaslighting as fact, whilst clinging to the wreckage of our own gut twisting semblance when trying to remember our own regular base line for life.
I used to have an unhealthy relationship with silence. Personally learnt from my parents marriage and, particularly from my Father, whom was part of an extremely successful business empire with too many controlling uncles. The family dynamics were felt by everyone, including young minds and eyes that should never have been witness to horrific displays of anger and abusive incidents. I learned to shut down and withdraw from such family visits. I carried the shame and normalised violence with me from very young age.
The trickle effect permeating me to the very core. Socially crippling within platonic friendships, workplace bullying and, within what are meant to be romantically loving involvements – violence in all its forms of abuse.
Recognising the red flags becomes easy, after the damage has been done.
Breaking the cycles are incredibly hard work. Mainly because the survivor must acknowledge the truth and leave. Putting in the hard work to repair decades of abuse that is the normal baseline of ones life is like poking at fresh surgical incisions and reinfecting wound sites under each set of fresh stitches.
Physical damage eventually heals, you will often read that psychologically , its a very long and winding road to ‘feel’ again.
Numbness is a false but often necessary guard whilst catching ones breath
Sneaking up when you weren’t paying attention A stealth bomber on a black ops mission A barely audible hum Matt black surface on a metal casing Dials and switches Blinking on and off A nano second trip switch Throws you off kilter Whatever whooshed past you best say ‘goodbye’ It’s a long time until the next circuit completes Confusion not clarity Trickery not transparency Swooping in as a white knight before Swift Deft Precision cut sections Keyhole incisions to drain the senses You wont ever be able to pinpoint the first time The blip The push back A test You failed You believed the fault was yours Gut wrenching knots as acid reflux burns your throat The voice you need escapes deeper into your soul Self doubt started creeping in Hey remember when you made him lose his temper? Kicking and punching you because you reached out to him in the night?! Terrified to fall asleep Exhausted Frightened Bleeding heavily you should’ve known better You’ll know next time Its inevitable You’ll go back Soon You know it he knows it Twisted around scattered breadcrumbs Painful underfoot because you believed the lies Plausible commentary Repetitive anecdotes Over and over Can’t say NO, you told me Of course it’s tall tales from the old boys brigade The precision of exacting phrases Word for word Equal measures of his pride and arrogance On view to all, invisible to you They see a picture perfect pal You see A deluded nurturer Turning his charm off and on Time and again A Eureka moment withheld sweet nothings morphing breeze blocks Grey, weighted burning Face turned away from slaps that were banned Undisclosed rape fantasies Real fear the new aphrodisiac Who knew? Frozen and muted Its quicker to live through Though why do you bother? Close your eyes Slip away It wont hurt anymore Boundaries absent Fear based on facts feet bolted down as the mind slides away Longing for release Panting grunts ebb As the scene reaches closure The shocked self revulsion Guilt coated shame eyes lock together The flicker of truth Time changes All What was once poison the long drawn out punishment Silence is now The New Calm
The UK is launching a Nationwide disaster warning system test to all mobile phones & network service 23rd April 2023 at 15.00hrs GMT
For those of you that cannot switch off notifications in your mobile phone settings – please keep yourself safe by TURNING OFF your phone to prevent its hidden location in your home or for those most at risk.
CONTENT NOTICE TRIGGER WARNING #Sexual Assault Recovery #Rape References – no details #Mental Health #Emotional Abuse
This Blog First Appeared 8 March 2019
A ‘kindly’ DM from a follower recommending I read a blog post. I was cautious as I generally disregard bloggers that refuse point blank or rarely use CW on any of their posts. I read the piece after being assured it was not detailed or contained “triggers” (some catch me out to be fair, the subject of TW & CW have a widespread school of opinions)
It was the way my brain processed not having sexual trauma memories for many years, (as I thought it was all my responsibility) then being tricked by the mindWizard [mW], to trust him and pull every secret, fear and frustration from me (to later) use against me. I’m mostly “at peace” with the different rapes. The counselling unlocked/clarified and acknowledged what mindWizard had done. Finally admitting way too late to my therapist that I am a submissive female helped me to understand that I wasn’t falling apart or going crazy. On discovering my submission and finally hearing that the non consensual parts of d/s was not normal behaviour and has turned me into a craving mess desperate for his approval and his acceptance. Having him throw me crumbs of attention when convenient for him (no one better in his cross hairs), the adrenaline surges had unlocked the addiction to him. The majority of his behaviour, attitude and conversations with him were not always healthy D/s ways. This I now know, is emotional, mental and sexual abuse. Active regular Consent and understanding what I’d agreed to was not given. This is what I’m working through now. The biggest betrayal. I was saying the other day to melodyInsights.com that all my blogs are based around Narc abuse. I don’t even recognise it’s me. From that place forward I lost connection with my former @ because many knew the identity of the man. They didn’t take sides. Mostly refusing to believe my words/pain. I became Swirly Instead of responding to the DM, my mind swirled into the following “open blog letter”
This is how I was 6 years ago. Coping mechanisms but totally oblivious why I felt the way I did Totally oblivious to all the episodes of trauma I’d permanently locked away. I was: Numb Disconnected (which appears to now be my writing style) Passive aggressive (but didn’t know i was) A Bitch – which I did know but not the cause Sad Lonely Restless Dispassionate Unsympathetic And more numb The only way to get through these states are to make one of two choices: Stay exactly as one is unhappy/mentally unhealthy/lonely and living in sweet sweet denial – repeating bad habits and hiding from your truth OR Take time to research the best type of counselling. If one is in pain but doesn’t know why then therapy will force attention to find, address then work through the reasons THEN figure out how to heal Its fucking painful. Its grieving in ways you’ll never understand if you’ve been fortunate to live a charmed life devoid of trauma* (*sexual assault/Rape). The pain is unlike any other. Memory retrieval where returning facts are unannounced. Its insidious the way life experiences creep into one’s mind and feels as though they’ll all but destroy. The trauma memories will beat you into pulp. THEN you get to the stage I’m at – knowing what happened…. working through it. Listening to the doubts questions and memories resurfacing and swirling in your brain/consciousness. And only then you’ll be working bloody hard (with the therapist, journaling , support groups, etc) to rebuild what’s left of your life to start again. To Build new healthy foundations; Learn what boundaries are and which ones are needed. Struggling to put all the shatterred pieces back together again You can choose the best way forward for yourself. For those that are reading this and have been taken into the confidence of a survivor – I have some thoughts you should try to remember. If you are taken into that part of your friend’s life then be sure you’re strong enough to support them, then do so. Under no circumstances be a fairweather or flaky friend or a nosey acquaintance that vanishes when the ride gets bumpy. Be constant and available when your friend is ready to talk, often repeating themselves as part of their processing or do both of you a massive kindness and stay the hell away from being a trusted confidante. Be all in or all out. Continue holding their hand, help by making it an easy pathway and be unshakeable with your support whilst they navigate their ultimate journey through living and waking Hell. I don’t have any real life in person friends to provide support. I’ve relied (at times stupidly) on Twitter pals for support. These Twitter friends are not qualified or able to solve my issues. I’ve never once expected them to fully understand or to offer advice. Just to listen on the rare occasions I’m ready to talk…. Those that are familiar with me before during and following all the counselling I’ve had assure me they see positive changes. Counselling may not be for everybody. I would definitely recommend a few sessions for those overwhelmed or easily triggered. It’s not a cure all in it’s own merit. It’s an investment towards the rest of your life and your sanity/good mental health.
I don’t see myself in focus most of the time. I’m a better person now for their support. This is definitely not a doom and gloom piece. Its saying that’s who I once was I’m working on the future me It’s not easy Its difficult to work through why ones decisions were bad choices and how it takes time to think about yourself differently. On a positive note – the strength I’ve gained through trauma therapy and unwavering support from two amazing Twitter folk – I’ve been approached to be part of a local Police forum to improve procedures for those that choose to not report sex crimes. I don’t feel brave It fills me with sadness.
I feel however, it’s the right thing to do.
I Wouldn’t want any of you to have the life I’ve had to date
For anyone currently struggling without support or somebody to turn to Here are some contact numbers : SARCs – Sexual Assault Referral Centres – The Survivors Trust – 0808 801 0818 Find Rape and sexual assault referral centres services – NHS
update 1 Feb 2023 my recovery is ongoing. intrusive memories are far less frequent although nightmares do trawl up information that was best left forgotten. my rape counselling finished a long time ago. I have the option to return should i feel it necessary. unfortunately, the steering group liasing with Police and associated services was axed before it ever started.
Ive added current internet links below for 2023, all genders, sexualities , BAME links and child support survivors
Marie RebelleMarch 11, 2019 @ 7:39 pmYou are an incredibly strong person for coming as far as you have.Rebel xoxLoading…REPLY
Posy ChurchgateMarch 10, 2019 @ 10:41 pmYou have come so far, and to be able to offer advice and help on something which is still causing you so much pain and emotional disturbance is really an achievement. Strong lady. xxLoading…REPLY
eyeMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:35 pmI know you don’t feel brave Swirly , and I know I have experienced some but not all of the things you have spoken about here, but for me the fact that you do keep going is extreme bravery and I just want to acknowledge it xLoading…REPLY
melodyinsightsMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:48 pmAs ‘editor’ I tend to stay out of comments. However, you’ve pinpointed one of the main reasons why Swirly has this space. The bravery to keep going and trying needed to be acknowledged.Loading…REPLY
SwirlingFireMarch 10, 2019 @ 8:58 pmThankyou very much to both of you for support and kind words in my darkest hours
I’m a fan of coffee, tea and cute pets as part of my daily Twitter greeting,. lets face it, mornings can be hard for many, let alone getting out of bed on occasions? i’ve never been a fan of the inspirational quote memes that, generally, in my personal experience, posted ad infinitum by people that are self entitled, delusional and quite the opposite of the caring, empathetic person they’re impersonating .
A silly kitten meme gif is the harmless panacea to all that fake #BeKindBollix., also, i accept ive used photo meme quotes to illustrate ;}
For all of the accounts, bots, trolls and great pretenders of Twitter and social media in general, there are dozens of genuine people i’ve had the privilege to find and mutually follow. On some occasions, meeting in real life. These IRL meetings confirm the person behind the avatar. I must admit, to my shame, ive been disappointed by several people ive met in real life…. [namely mindWizard and that’s been covered in varying revelations within 50+ blogs from another lifetime]
It baffled me that so many still believe carefully curated victim narratives [ lies].
It took a long time and two dozen therapy sessions to understand why so many tweeters still continue to follow and support the openly abusive in the misplaced belief of being allowed into the inner sanctum of deeper machiavellian truth twisting, sexual and emotional abuse coverups [ i still have the dm from people of supposed friends detailing events, places, victim etc totally thrown under the bus by a friend].
The only rational conclusion is either
Someone is exactly like these people hiding in full view or;
Folk are scared of the level of retribution [ that i endured with scant support ] should one decide turning their back on those vile ‘truth twisters’
For once I’d like to make a list of Green Flags for social media. It would be a safer place for many. Perhaps 2023 will be the year to deactivate everywhere and return to the land of the living whilst developing social Graces and cues without the old habits of fawning & people pleasing trying to sneak back under the conscious radar?
What would be your #GreenFlags ?
The golden shine of Twitter is currently almost tarnished beyond buffing.
In closing, I’m very pleased to add this post to the final Wicked Wednesday prompt site. it was the first site to accept my outporings into the void as i began to understand the level of multi abuse I’d experienced both off and online.
The format and website content providers and subscribers may changed in the last few years I’ve been writing however, as a whole, people rarely hide their true characters in spite of personal difficulties or differences of opinion.
A massive thankyou to Marie Rebel [and Master T] for their support and kindness towards me whilst navigating their own family, life, health and work balance….. the last few years have been a maelstrom for many of us. There are very few people we can really trust in an uncertain world… plus they like cats 😉🐾💌
Sending best wishes for a better 2023 to all those that have supported my blogging.
artist unknown – please contact for credit or removal
how does one know when they’re healed? probably not by sticking ones hand in the fire and not expecting to get burnt? yeah, dumb move on my part. mistakenly giving someone credit for their own counselling but realising that they’ve manipulated the system by swotting up in pro text books, talking to others with similar MH issues and then piecing together a great backstory that will provide a better victim narrative for placing themselves into a pivotal position for a lifetime ‘get out of jail free’ card. The irony of a game of chance and calculated dice throwing to land in the strongest position.
We can never win against loaded dice/die or a marked hand of cards. I’m the idiot thinking someone had started to show a change in character, my mistake, that game of manipulation shifted with some newly learned phrases and responses.
If we never understand our mistakes and unreasonable behaviour, how will we ever evolve and grow? How can we learn to be better people if we continue along our delusional paths of ignorance and always maintain someone else is to blame? Non fault insurance policies only apply to vehicles. not people.
Accountability, acceptance of error and responsibility seems so alien to many.
Never acknowledging WHAT we did is the first step to understanding WHY we did those things. Without accepting the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, consenting from coercion to non verbalised non consent – we simply learn that, for many, humanity has clearly collapsed
What a massive Harry Houdini unprepared punch to the guts.
It’s not often Im left speechless…..[Contrary to real life assaults etc when ive been struck mute for decades. obvs]. The words reverberated inside my head for hours. The unexpected impact made me feel as though I’d just gone two rounds with a Heavyweight Lonsdale Belt Winner.
I feel as though I’ve been running on fumes, barely enough fuel to cover the base of my life reserves tank. Simply twirling around in the rock bottom detritus, sludge and gutter swirling elements of twitter pals that were less than decent. If we gathered them in one sweaty orgiastic pile, there would still be an absence or semblance of a decent character operating on integrity or a modicum of fake empathy. All we would witness would still be a full on battle for self gratification and gaining consent from their victim would be non existant.
Some old names from the past cropped up in my dm recently. People that agreed to mentor and gently guide me back from my lowest ebb. Instead, I was used as a source of mentally abused pleasure within their cult. Mocked, subtweeted and pilloried. When you’re a newbie kink survivor, it’s very difficult to tell people like this to phuqueOrf, mainly because the red flags still haven’t announced themselves without your rose coloured spectacles removed. People that put themselves forward as the conduit to SSC/RACK based pleasures must maintain a credible following. Once it finally hit me, the reality of these new friends were expert liars, complicit within many cases of varying abuse and travelling in packs with covert gang mentality. Either agree and take your punishment for stepping out of line, not knowing your place, worse, forgetting you’re humanely different to the mal adjusted clan that demand their dictatorship is not infiltrated with decency with those they feel challenge their very existence?
I still have a long path to travel.
I have no idea for my final destination.
I know what i dont want.
I’m still discovering what i would like in my future. I’ve been burned far too many times. A side effect of people pleasing to avoid conflict and/or worse? Whatever happens, I shall endeavour to proceed with absolute caution until the embers of friendship provide a safe, warm, comfortable glow.
“…… **The dreaded drop that messes with your head. Fortunately, that level of drop doesn’t happen to me often. But I have also felt the massive high that only a satisfied sub who feels useful can feel. The feeling that I’ve satisfied and pleased someone….. “ – @RoughGemstone
My Submission – taken and stirred. Until a few years ago I never knew I had a burgeoning craving “to please”.
I experienced the dreaded hard drop every single time.
The first few times I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I wasn’t with a caring man that explained the after effects of “play” – I was discarded from his bed and home far too quickly to resurface from the dizzy headed weekend and memory gaps of what was trialled on my body and mind, then process, with him, during a leisurely breakfast. It was mostly eaten in a very uncomfortable silence.
I felt like screaming and throwing his dishes at him. NO post play chat before being unceremoniously dumped at the train station with a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. He hadn’t waited for the train with me. He’d already gained his focus onto the next set of better holes whilst sext/texting from the car park before speeding off (messages received intended for the other clueless women if you wanted to know how I knew)
Left alone with silent treatment and abandonment.
i Always feeling wretched, guilty and convinced myself I’d not pleased him doing what he wanted this time,. I had to tell myself – that was why he cut short the weekend again wasn’t it ? No phone call or text message to check I’d caught the train or made my connection or even if I’d arrived home safely! no longer wanted, already chasing more twitter females.
I was pursued, captured and seduced into a new and very alien sexually charged discovery of Self.
A bizarre cycle of push & pull, silence then intense attention.
I always thought I was a ‘people pleaser’ and that often my kindness was used against me as a sign of weakness. To a degree I was a PP, it was a strong self protective mechanism learnt in pre-pubescent years inside the family home. Then again with bullying at school. University it skipped and thought I’d found myself accepted and liked as a good friend. Then into the workplace and bullying happened everywhere. My mentor was training me, physically and sexually to please him. The feelings that flourished under the sexual “tutelage” and “mentoring” from an exceptionally charismatic man infected me with a desire, so strong, I ignored the red flags that normally (vanilla relationship) would’ve made me run for shelter.
The adrenaline rush ignited within me was so strong that even to this day, its taking immense strength to cut one link at a time of an almost unbreakable million link chain. The adrenaline surge through the body whilst under “threat” can cause many responses. Commonly known as the “fight/flight” response. Many schools of therapy have their own teachings. Two important reactions of note: • Friend (bargaining/self preservation) until “flight” is both safe and possible) • Flop – incapacitated and the path of least resistance to physical injury.
Natural Instinct will always make you choose “flight”.
However, Circumstances do not always allow a contingency.
Never judge
an assault survivor
by what they did or couldn’t do.
I was told – “You are such a Natural Submissive. Its wonderful to be your first to watch as you develop and learn…”
I didn’t really understand but hearing the pleasure in his voice felt safe. I felt respected and cared for. I’d never had that before. . . . Unfortunately, I didn’t have his respect and care then, either
. He was basking in taking all my precious first moments that should belong elsewhere. The strength of perceived safety was intoxicating. I was already addicted to the positive attention within a few weeks of 20 + SMS per day over a period of months. Good banter, healthy positive exchange about life, the universe and everything. For the first time in years he made me feel so good about myself. It didn’t last. I didn’t know then but it was the start of a cruel exploitative cycle of narcissistic patterns.
SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear
I was caught in weird spirals and roller coaster emotions to keep him pleased with me. The sound of his voice pulled me further into his world. It made everything head spinningly wonderful again. There was very little I would not have done for him. Rules, tasks structure, obedience the only thing missing was intimacy continuity and his Respect. Ironically. it was the one word he’d use with abandon – all the bloody time. I was to respect him at all times and use correct salutation/speech/phrasing. Even when he chose not to respond to completed tasks and twice daily rule of GM/GN messages. Unfortunately, it was a one way street. I hadn’t realised that not being schooled with pre-negotiating terms and the importance of continually consenting each time discussing limits etc was so vital. I wasn’t sure what my limits were. Total naiveté It still stings. Should I take 50% responsibility for not asking the questions ? He tricked me into trusting him. I never properly understood, considered or agreed – I still trusted him for a very long time.
Once I started blogging I then heard the phrase again ” ……You really do have the most natural submissive instincts I’ve ever come across….. “
I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin with a man as when he was teaching me “to serve” – it felt so automatic and right and real. Clear concise instruction pushed all my pleasure buttons and centres. Even though the submission was “taken” and at times demanded through fear of unnegotiated terms and imminent signs of silent treatment. What I was doing felt right Whom I was serving was wrong ** It also resonated more today, this time reading the blog of @RoughGemstone – initial extract above- used with permission
I’m definitely submissive. It can’t be denied as part of my makeup. It’s my secret siren call. I’m not sure of anything anymore and I question myself: ‘Was I leaking a sexually “ submissive aura” that attracts dangerous predatory doms / predatory vanilla men..?’ Do I give off subconscious signals as easy prey? I’ve had more than my fair share of non consensual assault. It’s very concerning and unsettling to think I’m a beacon for abuse and not a valued precious or lovable person. I try daily to practice the very few (non sexual) tasks I was given to keep me focusing forward. I don’t have a particularly high regard of men. However I try hard to remember not to behave badly towards people because of the (rediscovery of) depth of pain in my life. It’s not their fault if they accidentally step on a memory landmine Submission has taught me patience. Not specifically for sexual gratification – it was never about the rough sex for me. It was finding happiness in being a better person. Selfless acts of care, kindness and respect towards another caring person for zero reward, although not knowing it would never be reciprocated was not in the arrangement . I use those teachings to pull myself out of thick sludgy memory stew and put a brave face forward whilst trying to hold everything together and not allow myself to fracture into a million pieces without RL support of a trusted friend.
The most valuable thing I’ve learnt from unlocking my submissive self ? Everyone does it their way. There is no right way. I can write a book on all the wrong ways and I’ll gladly do what I can to support a fledgling submissive avoid the machine gun bullets of d/s mental abuse. All I can do for myself is communicate with strong, vibrant ,positive, healthy, aware, d/s minded submissives/genuine couples (without agenda) to learn the ways non predatory dominants behave?
John February 20, 2019 @ 9:35 am Bloody hell, what an insight that is, not just excellent writing, but such honesty. REPLY o SwirlingFire February 20, 2019 @ 1:20 pm Thankyou so much for taking the time to read my words and comment Best Wishes Swirly 🌻 REPLY
silverdomuk February 19, 2019 @ 5:12 pm We see you. Despite your pain, you really do seem to be making progress. Well done. 🙂 [Editor’s note: Sorry, this comment got stuck in the spam queue.] REPLY o SwirlingFire February 23, 2019 @ 2:00 pm Thankyou so much for hearing me. Swirly 🌻💕
The majority of my writing is a creative outlet to process sexual assault / trauma resulting from suppressing #Rape within a non consensual d/s mentoring “dynamic”.
The following piece of prose is a fresh visit as new memories surface and the anniversary to “first scent of fear” approaches (blog #9) SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear
– please exercise caution with this piece and the subject matter, may be distressing for some –
————————————————-
CONTENT ADVISORY – EXTREME
The Sadist & The Fawn
#365Words
Artist unknown – contact to add credit or if in breach of copyright
I’m sat in the little coffee place I’ve walked passed a thousand times.
It’s the only place open locally to sit and write with WiFi.
It’s full of men having very late breakfast style plates of food.
It’s bustling and very
popular with the non coffee house type set one normally
sees on a regular basis. On entry the voice tones were hushed.
I placed my order with a teenage girl at the counter, she could barely speak English. Her smile was beautiful.
From the corner of my eye I saw people nudging each other – obviously
I’ve sat here more than half an hour , its not, initially, a place to enter, full of men only, as a single white woman. That’s not a stereotypical slur or negative observation.
I’m not their usual customer. There was something very welcoming about the place as someone wiped down my chosentable and held a chair for me. Dumping my shopping on the chair nearest the window I was told they’d bring my coffee to me. It’s a test of self to enter a place of middle eastern men. Any female walking past similar establishments knows exactly the ‘feeling’ I’m referencing.
It’s been an empowering act for me. Men have made eye contact.
Not sleazy – even an apology as someone swore.
It’s been a refreshing tonic for myself today.
I’m hoping my sassy, fiery, confident self is making a resurgence.
I’d like the newfound wisdom inside ‘old me’ back now please.
#Blog #sb4mh #F4T #WickedWednesday #WW500 #NPD #SexualAssault #Rape #CoerciveControl #MentalAbuse I write from personal experiences. At times the content is very raw and brutal. Where necessary, separate content notices are placed on the relevant pieces. Please exercise caution if any of these subject matters may cause distress. Blog #94 – Stair Gazing The majority of […]
My writing is based upon real life experience. Many topics may be distressing or discuss trauma as a result of mental, physical and emotional abuse. Individual posts will be cautioned accordingly.
all photos from internet 2016 to 2021. please contact me regarding any copyright issues
I’m not a prolific blogger but I have posted a tweet or three regarding my appreciation of caffeine based refreshements.
I may be known as different things to different people for my all inclusive good Morning tweets, my way of interacting with followers. I’m not one of those anal retentive, “how dare you join my thread lets troll them” , big follower accounts that ignore most unless they’re being fawned all over type of accounts.
I’ve also written blogs regarding my coffee habit. it is an adddiction isn’t it??
I write from personal experiences. At times the content is very raw and brutal. Where necessary, separate content notices are placed on the relevant pieces. Please exercise caution if any of these subject matters may cause distress.
Blog #94 – Stair Gazing
The majority of these selected blogs are in my preferred style – #365Words.
I’ve found the constraints of a hard word count slow my twirling thoughts.
The most read blogs since 2017 are listed below with their original publication index numbers.
Blog #96 – Sadists and Sirens Blog #106 – Canary in a Coalmine Blog #104 – The Sadist and the Fawn Blog #93 – Pocketful of hanges Blog #94 – Stair Gazing Blog #102 – Cruel to be Kind Blog #101 – Blame, Shame – Defame Blog #95 – Thinly Veiled Blog #105 – The Devil Is a Gentleman Blog #98 – Never Again
All blogs published by melodyInsights.com & can be found here:
I’ve actually explored this topic before, this is a revisit to my progress, of sorts. My launch as SwirlingFire was literally a baptism by fire.
I’d not learnt to use my voice. I’d become a passive mute when it mattered. When I started to speak it was a lava flow of frustration, hurt, anger, sadness, self realisation, unknown grief and too many memories of trauma returning too fast to process. No safe place to figure things out. I was intermittently “involved” with a man in the real world. Unfortunately, encouraging me to talk to find my weaknesses and insecurities to use the information to create fresh emotional and mental injury for his own dark ego. Non consensual d/s. That has harmed me far more than anything else. I would, if I were forced to choose, opt for another violent physical assault than to endure false unsafe sanctuary of a MindWizard. It’s seriously clouded my view of the kink community. Which ironically is mostly via Social media contact. I try to attend a monthly local munch when work permits. A very supportive group of people they are too.
Self silenced for decades – I won’t bore you all with the reasons why again. Some reasons are in my early posts. I think it’s interesting to revisit the prompt from a newer perspective. Whilst my views have changed as a whole, for those I’ve previously crossed timelines with they’re the people that have given me pause for thought and a yard stick of how I must evolve for the better.
Those thoughts of others and my Self now neatly correspond with my current Psychology course work.
Conformity
Persuasion
Social Cues .
How we are perceived, how we think we are and the reality somewhere teetering in the balance whilst we pride ourselves on ‘not being like that!’ ?
I’m doing my best to improve myself and Self as a whole. It’s a lot harder than one would think. I see so many people miraculously have an online epiphany. So often, when chatting, it’s only a change of timeline vocabulary. The behaviour and actions have not changed. It’s a tricky knife edge trying to learn from ‘real’ people than a general website for BDSM and d/s. Although one brilliant one with a real life D/s partnership @SoutherSirsPl and @kaylaLords and their site @lovingbdsm very supportive and great advice when Swirly first landed.
Expressing myself on social media has caused me to step away more than engage nowadays.
So many questions I would dearly want to ask but not being able to – firstly for not correctly phrasing a real interest and understanding of other’s sexual experimental / lifestyles and not being intentionally inappropriate / nosey. Secondly when I’ve asked in the past I’ve been obviously fobbed off with a text book cold response and then subtweeted. That felt embarrassing, hurtful and unnecessary. Counterclaiming what a wonderful person they are to guide & offer advice. The knowledge of being gossiped about without redress is frustrating. I’ve lost respect for those people. It’s how we learn. By example?
The kink community prides itself on acceptance and being welcoming. It says it offers guidance support education and understanding. This is only true if one agrees with their way being the right way – to ask questions or incorrectly phrase and pose another view is considered as offensive and earns a soft block and then childish playground bully behaviour.
If we don’t openly encourage newbies to reach out for help in times of distress does that make us complicit in their abuse ??
Everyone wants to know who – I think time will finally expose offenders. Those abused that have the support network can ‘out’ those monsters. I’m already ostracised from many circles. 50% responsible for my own poor expression. On this point I have learnt to take pride in some of my silences. (‘My Editor’ is extremely patient and supportive to steer me away from old habits.)
I’m not against people expressing themselves any way they wish. In words or pictures. If one posts something on an open account and don’t wish to further discuss it then politely decline.
Although it’s free speech etc, posting certain topics and images, should IMO have a TW/CW. Before I was writing I found triggers and distress at unusual irregular things that caused memory flashbacks. The weirdest of haunting reminders that could not have been pre-warned. To be fair to those I consider ‘responsible/caring bloggers’ I didn’t know those triggers existed either. For triggers to be a source of entertainment for followers to laugh and joke about others pain speaks volumes.
📷fineartamerca.com
It’s not always easy to know when to apply CW. I try where possible. It is a tricky call. I do it because I’m considerate of others and not because I consider myself too cool to ignore the burden of someone’s fresh suffering.
It’s a personal responsibility for those that follow in our footsteps ? Social media exposes us to the unsavoury characteristics of people we’d never have in our social circles in real life. Online we can only form our opinions by the cavalier responses we see ? Each to their own I guess ? Whomever we’re pretending to be online is not necessarily the real character behind the screen name. Opposites to what we see and read runs in both directions
We think we’re a certain personality. The written word is up for interpretation. Often not the way intended.
I’ve now learnt to be more mindful of my phrasing. IRL, with the facial expressions, to reinforce timbre and my giggling – I’m considered very quick witted, funny, dry humoured, sarcastic, kindly teasing and good company & it’s rarely misinterpreted. I know my audience. If I’m displeased with someone. They will know. First hand. There is never a grey area in that respect. There is no room for misinterpretation. On social media, passive aggressive ways are more frequently engaged and possibly subconsciously favoured. I’ve been subconsciously guilty of this. I’m aware now. Keyboard warriors – those brave little soldiers never accepting accountability, responsibility or damage to another as operating from a position of partial anonymity then distancing from words that are vicious weapons leaving lasting invisible scars of a good public kicking.
In reality, on social media, it’s quite the opposite. Womansplaining is rife to the point of nastiness. In my experience. I’m now quite hesitant to engage with some people.
I could cite many examples, however it would be inappropriate to reveal @ names and screen shot private comments
We learn by asking questions. I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve accepted my part and I’ve apologised when and where possible. It’s not made a difference where others still maintain their initial low opinions of me
It has, however, changed me. If we don’t learn from the classroom that is social media then should we allow ourselves to use it. ??
Always being the self righteous belligerent person is not considered evolving growth, it leaves one appearing as though they’re a grumpy obstinate selfish old git.
There are a lot of sick people in the world. Many unaware.
Where I’ve learnt my lesson I try my best to remember not to respond in certain ways.
Social media leads some to take everything as truth/factual/definitive. It’s never that black and white. Everything is subjective and, with permission, up for friendly educational debate. It’s worth asking a few questions, it’s how we learn.
Some people are extremely sensitive to phrases that don’t resonate for them or reflect their own experiences and take offence when it’s not even about them.
Despite all the negative experiences I’ve been subjected to in the past due to others #gaslighting, plus those I’ve encountered as “SwirlingFire” – for the most part there are very distinctive groups of those that are genuine and those that are free to be whomever they choose to portray. I’m working hard on myself to let go of past betrayals and online hurt and not let those people sap my energy. It’s very difficult to unlearn tried and well tested self protection strategies.
Despite all the imbalances to date (IRL & social media) I’m working hard to be more discerning with whom I engage in real conversation. Not everyone on social media is how they really are in other settings. Many are fooled by online public personas. I’ve now realised that time is the best Mistress of proof.
I am now learning everything about being an adult, adult relationships and adult conversations. It’s much harder than I anticipated.
l’m very curious to learn how to navigate through any potential new friendships which by nature may one day become real life in the flesh friendships, meeting up and socialising. In addition, one day finding someone that may, in time, become physical, genuine and romantically loving and sexual. I won’t hold my breath for that. I’m attempting to be realistically hopeful for a happier future.
Social Media can be the warmest of welcoming bedfellows when one is isolated and lonely – the trick is to balance the good and genuine people against the strutting peacocks and learn to recognise the two whilst keeping part of yourself private.
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Social Media”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.
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9 Comments
Kayla Lords February 10, 2019 @ 8:14 pm
Becoming “Kayla Lords” (as that’s definitely not my legal name) felt more real to me than the person I am in the vanilla world. So much so that I choose not to maintain any of my non-sex/non-Kayla social media accounts or blogs because they feel stifling, like there’s a part of myself I can’t be. Sure, I may not share every detail on Twitter or even in my own blog (though that probably seems unlikely considering how much I *do* share) but I am more myself online as Kayla than I am in the “real” world under my legal name. Though, I’m finding ways to merge the two so I can have that real feeling everywhere I go, which is nice, too.
While I’m well aware that people are faking it for the likes or putting on a persona of who they THINK they should be, it still always surprises me when I discover it. It takes so much energy to be someone you’re not, and it seems to me that being myself is the best (and easiest) course of action.
This line…”the trick is to balance the good and genuine people against the strutting peacocks and learn to recognise the two whilst keeping part of yourself private.” is difficult but very important.
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SwirlingFire February 13, 2019 @ 6:04 pm
Thank you to both you and your husband for being such fantastic role models Thankyou for taking the time to read and comment. I’ll eventually learn to present info without selling my soul
Swirly 🌻💕
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[#SoSS] Sexy Sharing & Awesome Announcement! – FlossDoesLife February 9, 2019 @ 7:32 am
[…] Fire makes so many great points in her post Twitter Changed My Life that it’s hard to know where to begin in explaining why I’m sharing it. Predominantly though […]
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SwirlingFire February 6, 2019 @ 9:36 am
Hello JL Thank you for your time and comment. There are days I’m glad #Mothership doesn’t leave the house much to repeat things I hear her say lately🙈
Swirly 🌻
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JL Peridot February 6, 2019 @ 5:04 am
Stumbled in here from this week’s Wicked Wednesday. Really feeling you on the “adult conversations are hard” thing. It scares me a little thinking of how my parents’ generation have taken to social media. Not having spent formative years with this technology and media, would they be even more sensitive than people in our generation, or would experience and wisdom have ‘pre-hardened’ them against the bad stuff? Thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly. They’re food for thought.
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Posy Churchgate February 5, 2019 @ 10:54 pm
I hope I am a ‘what you see is what you get’ person, although I do try to maintain a little anonymity for my on-line persona. I find you a very intriguing person, and I think it’s nice that You and I have come to know each other gradually.
I am sorry you have had such bad interactions on social media. I admit that when something negative or chastising is aimed at me, it feels as if I have had my fingers caught in a mousetrap – it very much trains to be more cautious and reserved.
Take care Swirly, I think you (with a steering hand from your ‘Editor’) are in the main carving a recovery from expressing yourself with words and getting feedback from like-minded readers.
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SwirlingFire February 6, 2019 @ 9:32 am
Thank you Posy I’ll keep trying 🌻
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Marie Rebelle February 5, 2019 @ 7:09 pm
I totally agree, social media can be either: very warm and inviting, or cold and lonely. I have experienced some really bad things in my early days of Twitter, which many times made me wonder whether I should stop with it, but I never did. I became ‘harderr’ blocking those who are mean, even if not to me. I am myself online, or as much as I can be myself in the written word. I think just trying to be oneself, not pretending to be someone else can go a long way to make you feel ‘real’ to others. And, in my opinion, it takes very little to be kind to others online. Just weighing words, and checking what you have written before hitting send can go a long way.
Thanks for your thoughts on social media, and for making me get to know you better 🙂
Rebel xox
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Swirly February 5, 2019 @ 9:53 pm
Once again Rebel your words intrigue and inspire me. Helping me to keep wading forwards.
I cannot begin to imagine how life has been for you however, I sense deep warmth and a resonance with empathy and u understanding where it really counts.
Sending both you and your M future good health and happiness
Best wishes. Swirly 🌻
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I’ve felt weak many times but resisted the strong pull to message. It wasn’t easy but I’ve stayed strong. This is the longest time period I’ve ever known without any form of contact from him.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good but drained. My block booking work shift changed last minute from today until next Friday. An unexpected lazy morning.
I saw a photo album reminder/notification on my phone – some photos I’d have preferred not to see but not too stressful plus a few screen shots of a conversation. Rare and very kind words from him when I was particularly “fragile”. (I must try to figure out how to turn off that photo reminder function).
The pictures were a throwback to happier times and the very early days of exchanging pics/gif, thoughts and fantasies. These things are not meant to be real life consent – Are they ? I’m still very confused trying to recall conversations to agree on a list of “do this with me” or strict exchange of information of “never do this with me. Ever”
The two most distressing and NEVER things I specifically insisted upon, he rarely remembered until I flinched away from him. Well, as best as restraints would allow.
The truth in my current mindset right now –
There were never any consensually mutual talks. Ever
I don’t recall any agreed lists. Not a real face to face talk, a written list or an online checklist to complete – easily done when meeting for lunch, dinner or travelling to meet for the weekends ? I know my conversations concerning certain topics were painful and excruciatingly difficult for me. I gave brief information regarding my trauma memory recovery with him. All the more reason for asking and jointly agreeing what was acceptable ??[[**I don’t know why I’m tip toeing around this section. Even writing this whilst spell checking I feel jumpy and nervous **]]
This is my inner babble & learned self protective talk from communicating with him showing itself again.
This is how clever they are, how deep they get inside one’s mind.
#Gaslighting
Forever doubting myself and previous conversations.
So this morning, after a fairly rare and decent sleep, brought on by a few busy work shifts, I really felt I was doing fairly well. I was feeling marginally better about myself. Little niggles and negative comments creeping in now and again. I usually manage to pull myself back up and have, in my own opinion, done quite well recently. I’m trying my best to not lean on initial/offered kindness from the people of Twitter. I’m doing my best to no longer be a tiresome drain or burden to folk as I, no doubt, have in the past. For the best part I’ve now distanced myself from many. They don’t need to have me boring them to death. They have their own lives and real friends and work etc.
Today I read a very short sentence that made me realise I’ve not really done that well at all in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, seductive coercion, breached boundaries not consensually established.
The person sending the message didn’t have an inkling and so would never have known.
They play no part in any of this..
To be completely truthful ? If a therapist asked me to write a list of trigger words/phrases I doubt I would ever even think of this one. It had slipped effortlessly into part of a regular cycle. All the old sensations and thoughts of panic returned immediately. It was a shock. At this moment in time, it’s abundantly clear to me, that I realise that, had I received a regular friendly message from the Narc, then his words still had power and control over me.
The phrase was
“You’re missing the point………”
Within milli nano seconds I instantly felt embarrassed uncomfortable anxious and tearful. Without even thinking about the whole context of the chat. That it wasn’t the prelude to punishment. I responded naturally as I would have responded to him in the past and in a panic to respond as fast as my data connection would allow. My auto pilot protection kicked in at lightening speed, I already had my well worn, carefully constructed, ready made, tried and tested phrase from treading on eggshells in the past. A reply that didn’t provoke an argument. Or worse, find myself punished and the very familiar silent treatment until I could bear it no longer and initiated first contact days later in a very distressed and confused mindset.
Posy ChurchgateNovember 29, 2018 @ 9:59 pmThis makes me very sad, in many ways. It also makes me proud of your endurance and ability to bounce back and build yourself back up. You should not have been broken down, however, by another human being.I’m always prepared to listen/read. You’re not boring me or a burden – thanks for bravely sharing.Loading…REPLY
SwirlingFireNovember 30, 2018 @ 8:33 amThank You so Much Posy. I appreciate your words and time 🌻Loading…REPLY
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A Summers Cold Shiver first appeared in June 2021 in the Summer Anthology collated by the late, loved and talented Scott Christopher Beebe. Steering 23 Publications isbn 979- 8514840984
I dont own the rights to the site where my blogs are still kindly hosted. I’ve not posted many blogs throughout 2021 so I guess the top 10 , collated Jan 2021 from 2020 blogs is as good a place as any?
All my blogs are kindly hosted under this link, I’ve added the original blog post numbers and links from melodyinsights.com
The majority of the most read pieces are my preferred #365Words style , prose, not specifically rhyming poetry.
The hard word count calms my twirling thoughts. A mental restraint from an angry verbal lava flow. My writing commenced through journaling in Therapy. I could not bring myself to utter the words I needed to share with my counsellor.
A new way of communicating was found. I would write, they would read and ask, consent obtained, to ask me anything.
It took many weeks to finally pull the pain out. Full of unrealized rage, I was encouraged by Posy Churchgate and Melody to consider blogging. At times my words had a negative affect upon some. Me and my kind prove the abhorrent nature of people through their hideous actions. It also made me a magnet for some truly disturbed minds. That’s definitely best left for a future blog.
Swirly 27 Dec 2021
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Top 5 Posts
Here are the most clicked on blogs during 2020. Four posts are my personal experiences, except for one – ‘Canary in a Coalmine’ was a massive turning point of support for those that read and recognise the subtle nuances of life experiences many of us never talk about. The survivor of that story reached out to me.
I was so moved by the explicit detail, with consent, I wrote the #365Words.
That person Is on their way to healing – their attacker ? Still plying his charm, savoir faire, fabricated character.
Tick Tick Tick
I don’t post selfies, nudes, crotch shots lingerie etc (no judgement to those that do so), I no longer feel my exhibitionist tendencies are part of my current safety net, if you were hoping for this genre, you’ll definitely hate my blogs.
I’ve not posted a fresh blog in the last few weeks.
It’s not the climate It’s not covid It’s not Christmas etc
It’s not even ‘writer’s block’
It’s something that runs so deep from my core that it will bubble up, sending slow ripples covering everything it touches.
My voice is caught in my throat – I have so much to say and must find a safe way to Express myself.
An iconoclastic blast is always followed by molten lava flows.
this particular piece allowed me to sever ties with mindWizard . Once again, time together had been cancelled without telling me. he was too busy drinking champagne in an expensive bar with yet another woman. Never been told about all the others instantly negates ability to consent, make decisions & proves respect was only until he gets what he wants, is bored, moving on to the next batch.
This piece was borne knowing i had been discarded without the usual anger, just the regular on/off silent treatment. i had been insulted for not sending pornographic photos of myself with his buttplugs, i didnt send photos because he had been ignoring me for weeks, yet i was supposed to plug as per his thrice daily instructions without his ever acknowledging me?, all whilst he was off fucking other twitter women??.
I was told he was ‘poly’. the only thing he shares is abuse and his compulsive olympic gold medal standard lies.
2
blog 93
I vaguely recall the fawning and simpering on the twitter timelines between women that publically big each other up yet, in my dm, shared very different points of view of all their bad behaviour. I’m tempted to post portions of dm from very well known @ names.
Sadly, I have integrity.
3
Blog 103
his coffee
I wrote this piece a year before it was published. I had aimed to post it on International Coffee Day. it seemed the most appropriate date.
it was a double Phuque You as, mW had often encouraged me to open up my journaling for public consumption. I hadn’t understood at that time, sharing my Journalling was another way straight into my MH to further dismantle/ assault me. we hopefully live and learn?
4
blog 38
gaslighting and ghosting
This post still generates private dm traffic. I’m so pleased it has helped so many people to understand the difference between unscrupulous manipulative people and the reality of a true Narcissistic personality disorder. Knowing that the subject matter, as deeply distasteful as it is, along with my total dismantling, will help other women avoid mW and his ilk, helps salve my bruises.
5
content advisory this #365Words piece contains descriptions that may cause distress. its the most graphic piece, in this style that i have described events.
thankyou to everyone that has supported me throughtout my blogging experiences. its been extremely painful to confront my past. I wont be able to see any comments posted under the original links and posts, if you wish to comment ‘, I’ve hopefully added the comments box to this post and reply below.
Finally, a massive thankyou to Marie @rebelsnotes originator, creator and owner of #WickedWednesday.
A truly Staggering accomplishment reaching 500 consecutive prompts, all the support, tech assistance, reading and responding every single submission.
Denial #sb4mh of trusting gut feelings/what we believe we should persevere as some thing of perceived value is worth the hard work required to save it
And
Perseverance WW – when presented with truth we are in denial
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15 Comments
jupitergrant April 8, 2020 @ 6:37 pm
Such a wonderful piece, Swirly. Lovely alliteration and such effective imagery of light and dark
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swirling🔥fire April 16, 2020 @ 5:48 pm
Thank you
I “enjoyed” painting an image with this piece.
Apologies for delay, it’s not my site for notifications.
Wishing you a safe and healthy lockdown Swirly 🌻😘🧚♀️
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SB4MH Spotlight – Sex Bloggers for Mental Health April 4, 2020 @ 2:41 pm
[…] “Boundaries once mirrored starting to waiver Indecipherable hissing, as coils loosen lips. Hypnotic eyes twirl psychedelic colours; Inner chatter so loud it’s difficult to think. Sharing details of similar life stories; Smiling and nodding, as that jugular vein starts to flow,” READ MORE… […]
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E. L. Byrne March 19, 2020 @ 12:04 am
I really enjoyed the flow of this and how you bright out the potential risk/dangers but with such lovely language. Nicely done!
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swirling🔥fire March 19, 2020 @ 12:35 pm
Thank you very much. I’m sure people are fed up of my self indulgent revelations.
It’s too easy for intelligent individuals to be totally blindsided by these types
Best Wishes Swirly 🧚♀️
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May More March 18, 2020 @ 8:23 pm
Wow – as always your poetry packs a powerful punch – that last line – what can i say – Time for a kindle book of fiery poems I think!
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swirling🔥fire March 19, 2020 @ 12:33 pm
Ha! Thankyou May. How would I start an anthology for that? I’ve entered a writing competition and about to submit for a few others.
Pleased you enjoyed my jolly little verses ,)
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May More March 19, 2020 @ 2:28 pm
I will dm u if u dont mind?
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swirling🔥fire March 20, 2020 @ 12:53 am
👍🧚♀️
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missy March 18, 2020 @ 7:27 pm
This is really powerful swirly. You have some fantastic imagery and alliteration and convey the predatory nature of some people so well. As you say, many don’t want to see the truth and are in denial.
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swirling🔥fire March 18, 2020 @ 8:46 pm
Thank you Missy. I really enjoy harnessing my racing thoughts into a hard word count. I’ve always seen things very differently to the masses. Writing gives me the structure, routine and rituals I once foolishly craved elsewhere
Swirly 🌻
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swirling🔥fire March 18, 2020 @ 6:31 pm
Thank You Cat I really enjoy #365Words format , with much gratitude for the idea from @sexblogofSorts
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SassyCat March 18, 2020 @ 6:07 pm
Wow. Powerful. Perfect for both prompts. Well done you.
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Marie Rebelle March 18, 2020 @ 5:46 pm
I think there are some people out there who need to read this, as they are being caught in nets they don’t want to be caught in… like you say, when presented with truth, we are in denial. I was too…
Rebel xox
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swirling🔥fire March 18, 2020 @ 6:30 pm
It’s not my place to tell people what to do; It’s not my place to advise caution in our lives; All I can do is share my real experiences via blogs in the hope many can recognise, take action and avoid my unfortunate and unintentional mistakes
Hold onto your Anger. Hold onto that anger when your thoughts drift to (that name) and you start to feel low; Hold on to that Anger and fight. Fight Dirty Recall the belittling tone and timbre? Remember the way you were told stop being silly? You see things that aren’t there don’t you! Perhaps the problem really is You? Hold on tight, Hold on to the sanity you still recognise. Hold on to the sweet nothings that stopped, Abruptly The dozens of times you reread the messages, selected words, carefully chosen, “blue ticks” and ‘seen’ consumed and tossed into Another Barren wasteland. Hold on to the bile that caused you to retch The acid, so strong, it burnt your throat, That pain woke You Hold onto those Sleepless Nights your “Ridiculous overthinking”, How did it turn so sour ? Reach Back For The Signs They were always there, You knew that then, You second guessed yourself That’s how we know You never did that before? Did You? (they) pitched full claim of Your Brain You funny Little Girl. Your kindness, fairness and empathy, A bright beacon Too Shiny for this Game Pulling Shipwrecks All Those Empty Husks The Soul less Lifeforms The Pseudo Humans Humanoids The Sadists and Sirens They pull you down to their Murky Miserable Depths They Resent your Love and Light, The Essence that demonstrates your calming and caring They lasso you with your mirror image Whilst they cloak theirs under seashells, flora and fauna. The new strands of seaweed, gently drifting Almost invisible beneath turning tides You couldn’t feel those arms clinging to you? Anchoring their own wreckage to the next favourable rescue vessel You, You are such a natural. Sea salt in your hair and eyes Ocean mists creeping inside your head Squeezing your agency until your mind belongs to them. The flotsam and jetsam of their lives Waiting for New Hope The discarded skeletons of their Previous Existences Gassed and weighted down, fathoms deep. Where sea monsters and the shoals of unnamed and armed species Will never evolve, learn or grow Where clinging to amoeba, snails and under rocks For Shelter To Breathe Life cannot thrive in Dark Silence Death is not always The End It can be the rebirth for many. What the ocean takes The undercurrents will return Ploughing through fathomless trenches. Eventually The secrets will rise from the depths Davy Jones keeps meticulous Accounts His treasures Jewels so inviting Pretty prisms So rare After millennia of concealment beneath sand When exposed to the sunlight All that remains is cheap, damaged glass
Tuesday’s I always want to sleep as long as possible, invariably, I wake up really early, before six am and can’t settle back to sleepy snoozing.
I then have 7 or 8 hours of restless pacing or trying to find errands or jobs around the house to keep me distracted.
Generally keeping busy with tasks and household chores actually turns my thoughts to millisecond fleeting images that I rarely allow to settle.
This type of time to kill always consolidates all the thoughts I don’t want and I find them dumped in the freshest part of my memory bank.
Maybe I should restart a hand written journal?
It was a great tool when I was so verbally constipated it would have needed a whole team of bounty hunters with mechanical drills to drag my life story out of me.
I still don’t like to talk about myself. Maybe anecdotes of similar events to empathise or sympathise with another. Actual, specific information? No way, no how. You’d have to drag it out of me.
Even today, approaching maybe 40 blogs of depressing / mind numbingly draining and uncomfortable tales – I’ve still not gone deeper into my apparently tough, cool outer shell to get to the ripe kernel that rattles around inside. All the juicy bits that people ask me in private or under cover of DM.
I’m not being deliberately mysterious to be alluring and a mischievous temptress. I just don’t want to keep having to dig deeper. There are some nuggets so deeply buried I’m happier they stay in the dark. Incredibly distressing moments, which quite frankly, is nobody’s business but mine. I’m exhausted from investing myself into friendships and connections to then have information used against me to mock or harass. I’m better alone than with fakes and fools.
I was having a conversation with somebody recently in order to explain a current thought process, it was evident I would have to explain HOW I’d reached this current mind set/way of thinking.
I’m not aware of being a negative thinker. When people and life circumstances have kicked you in the guts on a fairly frequent basis, one does become tired and jaded to be naturally open minded to new people / friendships, welcoming and warm (I’m rarely rude or impolite – if I am there will be a damn good reason related to them, not my mood) and be able to become excited for future plans. So often the people I know have flaked out and cancelled at very last minute. Costing me dearly in cancelled work, income and other associated expenses.
I hadn’t realised or taken time to realise this until mindWizard chiselled his way into my life. I lost count of the plans and dates that were changed or cancelled to suit him and all the others he has toyed with or is yet to meet and charm.
I hadn’t noticed it because it was a very gradual practice.
A change of time, a change from all weekend to two nights to maybe one night. Very rarely, a booking made in my home town. A very welcome effort from him. We were never exclusive but I thought it was lovely he made the effort. It was short lived. I know his “tells” so well. I knew when plans were about to change in pursuit of fresh supply.
It became so regular that I used to make a bet with myself. Except I was never the winner in this game. That’s what it all was for him. A game. A game that many have played with him and more will follow suit. There is nothing I can do about it. I can’t assume the next time will be different. I can’t make decisions for somebody else based on what has happened to me. Maybe his next one will be the making of him ?
Probably not.
It’s not my place to try to save someone is it ? My auto response to want to reach out to prevent many more women having to learn the hard way like me will not be appreciated. The new supply will not listen to a discarded lover. The abuser has already paved the way. I remember the tantrum that followed when I asked to speak to current / previous submissives. The lambasting I received for being “inappropriate” and “incredibly rude / invasive”. My gut was screaming at me that what was about to start up between us wasn’t correct. I knew nothing and didn’t have anybody to confide in. My senses were trying to slap some sense into me – everything explained away or I’d be made to feel embarrassed / humiliated for thinking such an outrageous thing. Speak to an ex?
The disadvantages of finding one’s voice are not widely reported.
The drawbacks discovering i never set clear boundaries are jaw dropping.
Combining Both whilst navigating a day of social Interactions with strangers, colleagues & so called friends was a minefield.
Old patterns of self protective rituals are no longer acceptable behaviour. Although, an indirect passive aggressive approach, for some is sometimes the best approach, a one off never going to cross paths again Interaction.
When you are tricked into believing a man, that spent a year of his time gaining your trust, he’s guiding, training and educating into a niche kink lifestyle, to be a whole, healthy person. A perfect submissive, it’s a recipe for disaster. Convincing enough to share concerns as a daily task journal , comments from rape counselling, that will, before too long, be used to dismantle and kick you into confusion and regular seasons of #SilentTreatment – it’s a challenge to learn how to speak at all, let alone find acceptable non inflammatory behaviour to question and discuss what went before.
The discard/hoovering techniques used by many, not specifically #NPD, narcissist and related personality defects are fascinating to learn but devasting to emerge from under the sadistic, controlling, non consensual embraces. Assuming your special weekend wasn’t cancelled the day before in favour of the next bright (clueless) young thing.
The singularly spectacular yardstick to measure how far self awareness & self improvement have made their mark is when presented directly with an emotionally baggage laden visitor paying an unexpected visit.
What does one do?
Hide behind the furniture with the lights off until they leave? That’s Avoidance.
Scream at them to PhuqueOrf and when they arrive there, PhuqueOrf a bit further? That’s Anger
Welcome them inside whilst they wipe their feet all over you? Hope that this time they speak the truth? That’s delusional
Or, should you open the door on the safety chain, discuss accountability for their non consensual behaviour , knowing in advance, their well rehearsed replies will be gaslighting & rose tinted glasses.
Their apologies start with “Sorry if I…”. its prudent to accept they are compulsive liars with too many fillies on the ‘Not So Merry Go Round’.
It is a great pleasure to welcome Swirling Fire to A Leap Of Faith, with her piece Ghosts Goblins and Silence. Swirly and I have been twitter friends for a little while now, though her writing has been helping me gain insight into my own personal pain for much longer.
Right at the start of my blogging journey I clicked with one particular site, though one day it just wasn’t there anymore. While reading another blog, Insights and Ramblings of Melody I found the corner Melody had set up for this powerful voice and as I read the words on my screen I realised she was the same writer that had disappeared in my early days of reading blogs: Swirling Fire 2
I would definitely encourage you to go and check out both of their work. But not until you’ve read this:
I often anticipate the winter seasonal changes with dread. Nothing good ever happens after August. It was always a time of sibling birthdays, changes to school class set streams, friends leaving, new faces arriving. A time of year when people start making plans for the seasonal winter holidays. I often feel I would be best suited as an hibernating hedgehog. Interesting to look at but woe betide anyone that dares interrupt my secretive inner slumber
The months would always start with a siblings birthday party, I was always excluded. If I dared peep into the room I would be met with abuse and humiliation thrown at me.
In retrospect, a coming of age and theatrical showing off in front of friends. The physical assault would be far more private. Another troubled person raging against an unpleasant presence before warring parents.
Another year older, a little bit wiser?
Keeping my own company is now the norm. Becoming accustomed knowing I can rarely depend upon anyone for real face to face friendship’s without agenda. As harsh as that sounds, it took many years of emotional pain of being used, unravelling to almost total oblivion of mindWizard (mW) perpetual assaults to all aspects of my being and, his evil non consensual disrespect [though I guarantee, he will stand in court, swear on oath, I misunderstood light spanking was CNC, non negotiated violent sick rape games] never a safe person to be with, vicious physical, emotional and risky games for my mental, emotional, physical & medical health.
I’m sure my own silence was complicit in ‘allowing’ so may sleights against my body taken against my consent. Learning to hold my tongue probably kept me in places I should have left and no doubt the only reason I now am around to share my experiences.
Yes, I hear you say, “you should have ended things, run away, screamed no, called the police”, etc etc
Let me ask you a few questions in return:
Why are YOU in relationship with this man?
Why are you throwing yourself at this man that specifically interacts/seduces women almost a third of his age?
Why are you still best mates & drinking buddies with this man?
Why are you still desperate for attention from this man that treats internet strangers with more respect than he shows sexual partners?
Why are you so keen to be a part of a clique pack that enables this man & other rapists, bullies and sick deviant anti social behaviour?
{I’m referencing personality not consensual sexual pre negotiated activities}- the old women that enable online trolling & abuse, the over exposed pick me women, those with the cheating hubby that are clueless, the clever intelligent women who phuque married men without spousal consent then repeatedly play victim when wifey is gunning for them, those jealous of young firm fleshed bloggers but will happily drain their goodness & feast on their blood, those that are proven compulsive, manipulative liars, groomers, Rapists and serial abusers.
All these people have dictated how I should live my life and interact with others. Yet, many of you enable and continue to ‘blindly’ (*they’re great with me*) support this abhorrent practice, continuing to do so too.
Have the perennial horrors of Halloween seeped into daily life?
What are you so afraid of?
Why does change scare you so much?
Where is your voice of reason, ethical practice and great example of living a good life? Ah yes, your #Bekind homilies, epithets & QT instructions how others should do better.
Why do you specifically, knowingly and repeatedly do harm to others?
Seasonal costumes not necessary for many. Use the real horror beneath the daily face mask that slipped.
Strong boundaries at a young age and the ability to express them would have dramatically changed my life.
Why can’t people Develop a backbone?
Regain some semblance of honour and integrity?
When will you cease to be a creeping cancerous enabler ?
Always the virtual signalling how fabulous you are – Oh, do phuqueOrf you simpering stupid little girls and boys. Grow up, read the room,
support your friends not compete with them for their valueless internet infamy that will shrivel and die all too soon.
There will always be a fresh hunting pack ready to tear the old guard apart. Perhaps you’ll be in the next wave?
I realise now, rarely trusting my gut from the swathes & types of damaged people listed above played a massive part in trying to reduce me to Ash.
Now the season of ‘things that go bump in the night’ is upon us once again. I find comfort in death, decay and apparitions. A constant, unchanging state of reliability. Those that once knew me in person {returning to former career seeking income post lockdown} have commented upon changes in my personality. I’ve worked so hard to use my voice in a positive way. Hours of Rape Trauma Therapy, Journaling as self discovery, hosted blogging, prose and wider interactions with some of your friends, some the most deceitful people on the planet. The malevolent silent creeping cancers that invade the psyche, steal souls in order to feast on others goodness to mimic and maintain their normal front facing behaviour, when, with physical proof, I can show a very different set of facts.
Whilst many think “ trick or treat” is an annual winter childhood game, for many of us, we see the scary deranged monsters everyday.
Everyone leaves but not everyone Ghosts. I currently continue to live with the ghosts of my life, in all their spectral forms.
Baptism by fire Or funeral pyre The personality evolving whilst true characters Remain static
Under the microscope Staring at slides Chemical warfare Petri dish cultures Where nothing can hide
The ebb and flow from strangers to best friends Machiavelli movements Practices sleight of hand Subterfuge Subtweeting Secret invite only Side accounts What was the purpose Fake flabby friendships Not the stuff of sliced bread
Complaining of lives we know nothing about Sharing our judgements Our real selves just slipped out
The sun and the moon Echo body filled waves Water the cleansing Of The spiritual ways Bound by the teachings of Sunday’s best stories Loading the fakeness Crass fake glories
Observing the seasons Spring flowers blossom The autumn leaves turn Rain filled gutters swirl flotsam
Love dies on the vine Hearts turn to ice Snow laden footsteps Crushed beneath boots Friendships now fodder For ample untruths
I’ve actually explored this topic before. My launch as SwirlingFire was literally a baptism by fire. I’d not learnt to use my voice. I’d become a passive mute when it mattered. When I started to speak it was a lava flow of frustration, hurt, anger, sadness, self realisation, unknown grief and too many memories…
Caricatures of ghosts and ghouls, horror film characters, witches, both white magic and black arts, the Devil and disciples, the acolytes in training, headless zombies, Dracula and the Damned. Throw in a few glasses of alcohol, snacks, and sugary treats and a party in full swing to wake the distant dead.
It’s all fantasy and make believe, it’s not real, we hear others say, it’s not really scary. It’s mummy in a wig and a costume, Daddy in fancy dress, face makeup. It could be all the ingredients to concoct a mini bedtime story of evil spirits and the living dead.
The reality? These people really do exist. On your social media timelines, in your workplace, in the supermarket, at the pub, in the park, on dating apps. The real monsters could be your best mate, your colleague or boss or, if you’re really unlucky – the person in the bed next to you. There are women that you know, that will be in bed tonight, sleeping next to a man, that has previously Raped another woman.
FACT
It’s distressing, at times, to be the conduit for those coming to terms, accepting, admitting that a well known name has sexually assaulted them.
I believe you.
Original Art – Pete Harju with permission
That’s the disadvantage of making new friends from social media (could be a new fiend), you could be manipulated into thinking someone is the antithesis of whom they present.
Is your fabulous new male Dom/lover/threesome phuque buddy who they say they are?
How many women has your partner coerced, ignored boundaries,assaulted, raped?
I can believe many of you are clueless who friends/ lovers really are.
Whilst I’m mocked and subtweeted, I’ve watched the ticking time bombs in your life. In some instances, I could have pulled you out of harms way, long before you crawled out of the wreckage you now find yourself. That is the one benefit of my survival from mindWizard. Whilst hyper vigilance is exhausting, after receiving expert Rape and Trauma Therapy, I had learned the signs and Red flags to see them quite openly waving in your life. Will I make mistakes in future? Of course I will, I’m human. Will I recognise those red flags a lot sooner? I Absolutely hope so. Will I tell you what your partner is capable of?
Ask me.
There are double figures, that I’m currently aware of, some women whose real names I know, he once shared everything about his women with me, the shared truths didn’t last long, the only ethical side of his violent tendencies, during those early months, that ‘dated’ mindWizard. The well used phrases, the “reply guy” behaviour, the jealous rages, the accusations from out of the blue, the silent treatment, the temporary discard, hoovering up and rinsing to start the cycle once more.
I see you and I wonder, did he say to you the things he told me?
Were you aware of the overlap between at least four of us? They’re not always Twitter victims, but hinge, tinder, whatever produces the best under 35 year old fresh canvasses. The younger easier prey, new to the scene or novice. Those of us that didn’t listen to our gut. You will be kept hot whilst he prepares the next batch, the replacements for your less than firm flesh.
Every time, at the end of their triste, the all too familiar subtweet and memes detailing #NPD, #Gaslighting #Coercion #NonEthicalPoly – it turns my stomach, I can’t stop it from happening to you, I can’t save you, I can’t even tell you, as a stranger, my past with your current partner, before you are tethered to his bed tonight.
Whilst you try to keep hold of the rope (chain) on the current life preserver that is, y/our sanity and all that is true, it’s worth keeping in the back of y/our minds – when you asked that question that has been weighing on your mind – does the reply make sense in context of events and previously shared information? Is it text book, never a syllable skipped? The heart wrenching sorrow of love, death and demise to disarm you? You’re an Empath, his favourite toy to destroy and chuck in the bin.
Do you ever watch them sleeping and wonder? This magnificent specimen, everyone’s favourite guy/gal preaching homilies of care and kindness, , good mental health, consent and respect?
Your partner raped me.
Your husband sexually assaulted me
Your best mate violently assaulted me at a party whilst you were passed out drunk;
Your brother gripped my hands so tight behind my back,the bruises lasted for weeks;
Your current Fiancè, is so arrogant he does whatever he wants, the woman he sexually brutalised, mocked on social media under the guise of her alleged ” in/sanity”
You’re all complicit in the cover ups.
We become enraptured by fairy tales of expert manipulators never realising we are being gaslit to Hell. They hide the horror of their animalistic rage so well. Don’t they?!
Women are worse, they will phuque your partner behind your back, whilst swapping gossip during lunch etc. They will be your best friend, whilst having sex with your husband, your kids used as pawns in their sexual chess games of deceit and betrayal, whilst updating their social media status with not so subtle cryptic messages of wonderful superlatives.
They will slide into your boyfriend’s bed under the guise of “ whoops wrong room” or a drunken kiss when your team won the match but it’s okay, it didn’t mean anything it.
These one dimensional sexually obsessed cheats, liars, manipulators, abusers and rapists are your friends, colleagues, lovers, partners, spouses and playmates.
Women looking for validation from people that, unbeknownst laugh about them in private messages, unaware that the same woman steals their lover behind the veil of camaraderie.
How many attempted suicides are you personally responsible for playing your part?
How many marriages did you destroy for a cheap thrill then leave when discovered?
How many times have you changed your online identity, whilst “Playing the distressed victim” when his Mrs finds you?
How many women did you push into the darkness and leave there, to kill themselves after your vile comments and bullying ?
A few days ago, I reposted some of my older blogs from the spring/summer. They generated a fair bit of DM Twitter that my app was crashing, although, Twitter is like a wronged partner at times, a bit of a narcissistic bastard – It occasionally gives me the silent treatment.
My point being, nobody is really who we think they are. Ask lots of questions, if somebody gets annoyed, Red flags Should be noticable
A simple exercise to test temperament, use for a very basic suggestion or plan. It’s a very fast indicator to avoid personal injury in the future. I’d unknowingly used it on my first “date” with mindWizard. (You can read what happened here.xxxxx) How, through nearly a year of platonic friendship, I had been conditioned to accept my responses as unreasonable and crazy
. (XxxxxInsert mentor blog , insert first scent of fear blog)
Halloween has not yet begun
Whilst you contemplate the annual game of Russian Roulette and the bullet aimed at your brain, the spookiest part of the year is about to unravel, the scariest person to someone else could be the monster hiding, in plain sight, IN your bed.
Hours pass by like a decomposing carcass. Entrails ooze as the stench of death hangs over us. Heat seeking destroyers of those still breathing. Carrion Crows in a city that continues to collapse, Whilst incoming circling vultures pick over the remaining pulsating parts.
Overweight bluebottles, all spittle and froth deposit their eggs into oversized cankerous sores. Soon the hungry army of pearlescent segmented bodies find succour. Wriggling and ravenous, Tearing flesh from their host. Their new life seeping into sticky pools of adipocere. Waxy, stringy globules of life sliding away, Slippage of fleshy folds enveloping and encouraging. Slowly, the unbeaten calciferous lengths, Dissociated and crumbling, Dissolving below ground.
Bowels emptying to the sounds of disharmonious trumpets. Organs past their prime and value now lost forever. Exchanging another’s death sentence for an extension. Another sour bite of maggot infested cherries. Resurrecting new life from discarded parts.
“Sold!!” – the commanding voice Ricochets around stagnant minds.
The highest bidder wins the prize. A Monopoly of Chance Not so much “the Community” chest. A selfish, self appointed role of a belligerent stubborn fool, Scrabbling, gathering up all the lost souls. A new currency for a new way of traction into rebirth.
On the slow train across continents – A ticket to ride in the ghost carriages of shattered futures and extinguished dreams. Set alight in foreign lands, Smoke stacks belching tonnes of Ash. Infecting those that remain, Suffocating the pure of heart by proxy, Simply by “ following orders”.
There is no shame in Death, The innocent Ending that was not planned The blame lays beneath hands that Choose to kneel on our chest Press out the last few breaths The dead weight of uninterested uncollected consciousness We will defame the names of those attempting to bury us Force our silences against us Those braggarts of popularity and divided justice
We must rise up against those that prey on mortal flesh. The fetid mutating Zombies that enrapture us with floral scented praise and gifts. They are the creeping necrotising virus’ of a civilisation losing its moral compass. Bastardising acceptable societal norms, encoding rage and hate in lost blind followers. Latching upon those seeking 22nd century faith healers and remedies.
Never finding healing with hands that grab, steal and profit upon the lost souls of kindness
#365Words
Exploring Social media: Co dependency and Betrayal.
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Posy ChurchgateMarch 10, 2019 @ 10:41 pmYou have come so far, and to be able to offer advice and help on something which is still causing you so much pain and emotional disturbance is really an achievement. Strong lady. xxLoading…
melodyinsightsMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:48 pmAs ‘editor’ I tend to stay out of comments. However, you’ve pinpointed one of the main reasons why Swirly has this space. The bravery to keep going and trying needed to be acknowledged.Loading…
The disadvantages of finding one’s voice are not widely reported.
SwirlingFire 