Blog #125 Burning the Candle from Both Ends

The table wobbled and tipped up, seconds fell away in slow motion until the chair, table and floor were saturated with a very large cup of boiling mocha. I was prepared to hear the typically British ‘wayhaayyyy’ and teasing shout-outs , my cheeks burning red hot, simultaneously frozen to the spot.

Being the centre of unwanted attention is nothing new to me [ We can come back to this another day] . The staff members were very gracious and speedy to clear away the hot sticky dripping mess whilst another teased – ‘ cant take you anywhere’ with a smile, whilst making me a replacement mocha without additional charge.
This was the exact recalled moment of embarrassed humiliation ( whilst also having the ability to laugh at myself for being a clumsy twit). It was then that reality hit me. An upper cut punch straight in the feels.

Am i addicted to chaos ?

Those of you that may have read my past blogs are already aware of my backstory …… years of emotional trauma , psychological and physical abuse ….. I’m no different to thousands of other people that have, sadly, personal experience of facing the past and learning to deal with it head on.

I’m very fortunate that i was able to attend #SARC https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc counselling programme fairly quickly after 24 weeks of intense counselling. Also, I have an open offer, when ready in Trauma counselling. https://www.thepalmeirapractice.org.uk/expertise/2017/2/20/what-is-trauma-counselling
Its a far more intense version of reliving, second by second, actual events in my past. I obviously have auto responses to external situations . For the most part, i am able to navigate myself through the day. I don’t laugh as much as i once did, although, with the stresses of living in the UK right now, who does?! I more often that not, attempt to avoid eye contact with strangers. Prescription sunglasses in all weathers are my current saviour.

The ‘chaos theory’ – https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/earth-and-planetary-sciences/chaos-theory#:~:text=Chaos%20theory%20describes%20the%20qualities,due%20to%20its%20nonlinear%20processes. – is a state that, i regularly feel, a slight flutter, depending upon the circumstances could cause a mild butterfly feeling or perhaps an internal tsunami may hit.

For the most part, i have been taught how to harness a calmer state in the ‘ here and now’, not descend into a full scale meltdown in public. Recently I’ve found my voice with strangers in public. Reflecting on those occasions today, every time I’ve spoken up, it’s been to come to the aid of another, younger female, that was cornered or leered at by male gaze and entitlement.

I feel we should step in as bystanders and advocate for those that require support. Those that don’t are complicit in continuing the cycle of misogynistic entitlement and future assaults?

Stepping into three separate incidents last month was either brave or potentially foolhardy on my part. However, allowing sexually abusive behaviour to continue without addressing it makes this more likely that man will escalate. Each young girl was visibly shaken and tearful, my rage was my driver. I wonder, did i do it for those young women or was it a selfish act??

A small personal victory To shout at the men that, i once felt was my own responsibility, i allowed them to behave so badly .

Perhaps it wasn’t such an altruistic gesture and yes, i would absolutely act this way again, to stand up and defend those not yet able to protect their own boundaries.

Nobody protected me when i needed it the most

What would you do?

@Swirlingfire 12 April 2023

#27 Hey Swirly, Read This ……

CONTENT NOTICE
TRIGGER WARNING
#Sexual Assault Recovery
#Rape References – no details
#Mental Health
#Emotional Abuse

This Blog First Appeared 8 March 2019

A ‘kindly’ DM from a follower recommending I read a blog post. I was cautious as I generally disregard bloggers that refuse point blank or rarely use CW on any of their posts.
I read the piece after being assured it was not detailed or contained “triggers” (some catch me out to be fair, the subject of TW & CW have a widespread school of opinions)

It was the way my brain processed not having sexual trauma memories for many years, (as I thought it was all my responsibility) then being tricked by the mindWizard [mW], to trust him and pull every secret, fear and frustration from me (to later) use against me.
I’m mostly “at peace” with the different rapes.
The counselling unlocked/clarified and acknowledged what mindWizard had done.
Finally admitting way too late to my therapist that I am a submissive female helped me to understand that I wasn’t falling apart or going crazy.
On discovering my submission and finally hearing that the non consensual parts of d/s was not normal behaviour and has turned me into a craving mess desperate for his approval and his acceptance. Having him throw me crumbs of attention when convenient for him (no one better in his cross hairs), the adrenaline surges had unlocked the addiction to him.
The majority of his behaviour, attitude and conversations with him were not always healthy D/s ways.
This I now know, is emotional, mental and sexual abuse.
Active regular Consent and understanding what I’d agreed to was not given.
This is what I’m working through now. The biggest betrayal. I was saying the other day to melodyInsights.com that all my blogs are based around Narc abuse.
I don’t even recognise it’s me. From that place forward I lost connection with my former @ because many knew the identity of the man. They didn’t take sides. Mostly refusing to believe my words/pain.
I became Swirly
Instead of responding to the DM, my mind swirled into the following “open blog letter”

This is how I was 6 years ago. Coping mechanisms but totally oblivious why I felt the way I did
Totally oblivious to all the episodes of trauma I’d permanently locked away.
I was:
Numb
Disconnected (which appears to now be my writing style)
Passive aggressive (but didn’t know i was)
A Bitch – which I did know but not the cause
Sad
Lonely
Restless
Dispassionate
Unsympathetic
And more numb
The only way to get through these states are to make one of two choices:
Stay exactly as one is unhappy/mentally unhealthy/lonely and living in sweet sweet denial – repeating bad habits and hiding from your truth
OR
Take time to research the best type of counselling.
If one is in pain but doesn’t know why then therapy will force attention to find, address then work through the reasons THEN figure out how to heal
Its fucking painful.
Its grieving in ways you’ll never understand if you’ve been fortunate to live a charmed life devoid of trauma* (*sexual assault/Rape).
The pain is unlike any other. Memory retrieval where returning facts are unannounced.
Its insidious the way life experiences creep into one’s mind and feels as though they’ll all but destroy.
The trauma memories will beat you into pulp.
THEN you get to the stage I’m at – knowing what happened…. working through it. Listening to the doubts questions and memories resurfacing and swirling in your brain/consciousness.
And only then you’ll be working bloody hard (with the therapist, journaling , support groups, etc) to rebuild what’s left of your life to start again.
To Build new healthy foundations;
Learn what boundaries are and which ones are needed.
Struggling to put all the shatterred pieces back together again
You can choose the best way forward for yourself.
For those that are reading this and have been taken into the confidence of a survivor – I have some thoughts you should try to remember.
If you are taken into that part of your friend’s life then be sure you’re strong enough to support them, then do so. Under no circumstances be a fairweather or flaky friend or a nosey acquaintance that vanishes when the ride gets bumpy. Be constant and available when your friend is ready to talk, often repeating themselves as part of their processing or do both of you a massive kindness and stay the hell away from being a trusted confidante. Be all in or all out.
Continue holding their hand, help by making it an easy pathway and be unshakeable with your support whilst they navigate their ultimate journey through living and waking Hell.
I don’t have any real life in person friends to provide support.
I’ve relied (at times stupidly) on Twitter pals for support.
These Twitter friends are not qualified or able to solve my issues. I’ve never once expected them to fully understand or to offer advice.
Just to listen on the rare occasions I’m ready to talk….
Those that are familiar with me before during and following all the counselling I’ve had assure me they see positive changes. Counselling may not be for everybody. I would definitely recommend a few sessions for those overwhelmed or easily triggered. It’s not a cure all in it’s own merit. It’s an investment towards the rest of your life and your sanity/good mental health.

I don’t see myself in focus most of the time.
I’m a better person now for their support.
This is definitely not a doom and gloom piece.
Its saying that’s who I once was
I’m working on the future me
It’s not easy
Its difficult to work through why ones decisions were bad choices and how it takes time to think about yourself differently.
On a positive note – the strength I’ve gained through trauma therapy and unwavering support from two amazing Twitter folk – I’ve been approached to be part of a local Police forum to improve procedures for those that choose to not report sex crimes.
I don’t feel brave
It fills me with sadness.

I feel however, it’s the right thing to do.

I Wouldn’t want any of you to have the life I’ve had to date

For anyone currently struggling without support or somebody to turn to
Here are some contact numbers :
SARCs – Sexual Assault Referral Centres – The Survivors Trust – 0808 801 0818
Find Rape and sexual assault referral centres services – NHS

@Swirlingfire, 8 March 2019

update 1 Feb 2023 my recovery is ongoing. intrusive memories are far less frequent although nightmares do trawl up information that was best left forgotten. my rape counselling finished a long time ago. I have the option to return should i feel it necessary. unfortunately, the steering group liasing with Police and associated services was axed before it ever started.

Ive added current internet links below for 2023, all genders, sexualities , BAME links and child support survivors

Male Survivors – https://www.survivorsuk.org/

nhs https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

LGBTQ+ ttps://www.thebridgeway.org.uk/who-is-it-for/lgbtq/#

contains many links including child rape and assault https://sexualabusesupport.campaign.gov.uk/

sarc centres uk https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/

Thankyou for the original comments left in 2019

1. Marie RebelleMarch 11, 2019 @ 7:39 pmYou are an incredibly strong person for coming as far as you have.Rebel xoxLoading…REPLY
2. Posy ChurchgateMarch 10, 2019 @ 10:41 pmYou have come so far, and to be able to offer advice and help on something which is still causing you so much pain and emotional disturbance is really an achievement. Strong lady. xxLoading…REPLY
3. eyeMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:35 pmI know you don’t feel brave Swirly , and I know I have experienced some but not all of the things you have spoken about here, but for me the fact that you do keep going is extreme bravery and I just want to acknowledge it xLoading…REPLY
   • melodyinsightsMarch 10, 2019 @ 7:48 pmAs ‘editor’ I tend to stay out of comments. However, you’ve pinpointed one of the main reasons why Swirly has this space. The bravery to keep going and trying needed to be acknowledged.Loading…REPLY
     • SwirlingFireMarch 10, 2019 @ 8:58 pmThankyou very much to both of you for support and kind words in my darkest hours

blog #124 Good Morning Tea Twirlers & Coffee Swirlers

I’m a fan of coffee, tea and cute pets as part of my daily Twitter greeting,. lets face it,  mornings can be hard for many, let alone getting out of bed on occasions? i’ve  never been a fan of the inspirational quote memes that, generally, in my personal experience, posted ad infinitum by people that are self entitled, delusional and quite the opposite of the caring, empathetic person they’re impersonating .

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/human-kind/201901/having-empathy-and-being-empath-what-s-the-difference

A silly kitten meme gif is the harmless panacea to all that fake #BeKindBollix., also, i accept ive used photo meme quotes to illustrate  ;}

For all of the accounts, bots, trolls and great pretenders of Twitter and social media in general, there are dozens of genuine people i’ve had the privilege to find and mutually follow. On some occasions, meeting in real life. These IRL meetings confirm the person behind the avatar. I must admit, to my shame, ive been disappointed by several people ive met in real life…. [namely mindWizard and that’s been covered in varying revelations within 50+ blogs from another lifetime] 

http://Swirlingfire.wordpress.com

#trauma #counselling #EmotionalAbuse #friends #fawning.

It baffled me that so many still believe  carefully curated victim narratives [ lies].

It took a long time and two dozen therapy sessions to understand why so many tweeters still continue to follow and support the openly abusive  in the misplaced belief of being allowed into the inner sanctum of deeper machiavellian truth twisting, sexual and emotional abuse coverups [ i still have the dm from people of supposed friends detailing events, places, victim etc totally thrown under the bus by a friend]. 

The only rational conclusion is either

1. Someone is exactly like these people hiding in full view or;
2. Folk are  scared of the level of retribution [ that i endured with scant support ] should one decide turning their back on those vile ‘truth twisters’

https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/the-trauma-response-of-fawning-aka-people-pleasing-part-one

For once I’d like to make a list of Green Flags for social media. It would be a safer place for many. Perhaps 2023 will be the year to deactivate everywhere and return to the land of the living whilst developing social Graces and cues without the old habits of fawning & people pleasing trying to sneak back under the conscious radar?

What would be your #GreenFlags ?

The golden shine of Twitter is currently almost tarnished beyond buffing. 

In closing, I’m very pleased to add this post to the final Wicked Wednesday prompt site.  it was the first site to accept my outporings into the void as i began to understand the level of multi abuse I’d experienced both off and online.

The format and website content providers and subscribers may changed in the last few years I’ve been writing however, as a whole, people rarely hide their true characters in spite of personal difficulties or differences of opinion.

A massive thankyou to Marie Rebel [and Master T] for their support and kindness towards me whilst navigating their own family, life, health and work balance….. the last few years have been a maelstrom for many of us.   There are very few people we can really trust in an uncertain world… plus they like cats 😉🐾💌

Sending best wishes for a better 2023 to all those that have supported my blogging.

@swirlingfire 30 December 2022

blog #122 Thrown from the Frying Pan into the Fire

What a massive Harry Houdini unprepared punch to the guts.

It’s not often Im left speechless…..[Contrary to real life assaults etc when ive been struck mute for decades. obvs]. The words reverberated inside my head for hours. The unexpected impact made me feel as though I’d just gone two rounds with a Heavyweight Lonsdale Belt Winner.

I feel as though I’ve been running on fumes, barely enough fuel to cover the base of my life reserves tank. Simply twirling around in the rock bottom detritus, sludge and  gutter swirling elements of twitter pals that were less than decent. If we gathered them in one sweaty orgiastic pile, there would still be an absence or semblance of a decent character operating on integrity or a modicum of fake empathy.  All we would witness would still be a full on battle for self gratification and gaining consent from their victim would be non existant.

Some old names from the past cropped up in my dm recently. People that agreed to mentor and gently guide me back from my lowest ebb. Instead, I was used as a source of mentally abused pleasure within their cult. Mocked, subtweeted and pilloried. When you’re a newbie kink survivor, it’s very difficult to tell people like this to phuqueOrf, mainly because the red flags still haven’t announced themselves without your rose coloured spectacles removed.  People that put themselves forward as the conduit to SSC/RACK based pleasures must maintain a credible following. Once it finally hit me, the reality of these new friends were expert liars, complicit within many cases of varying abuse and travelling in packs with covert gang mentality. Either agree and take your punishment for stepping out of line, not knowing your place, worse, forgetting you’re humanely different to the mal adjusted clan that demand their dictatorship is not infiltrated with decency with those they feel challenge their very existence?

I still have a long path to travel.

I have no idea for my final destination.

I know what i dont want.

I’m still discovering what i would like in my future. I’ve been burned far too many times. A side effect of people pleasing to avoid conflict and/or worse? Whatever happens, I shall endeavour to proceed with absolute caution until the embers of friendship provide a safe, warm, comfortable glow.

@SwirlingFire 6 Sept 2022

blog #121 True North is Burning

In a world that is reaching impending collapse in many sectors of trade, commerce and industry , who do we turn to for guidance?

Throughout the time I’ve remained on social media, the more I observe a character collapse or, am i seeing folk for whom they are in real life?

Real faces hidden behind the surgical masks yet their actions and words or more often their silence, cannot hide their true intent and non authentic selves??

When I have questions for the True North, the only answers provided are from the corrupt, low lifes with golden charm and forked tongue.

Good or Evil, Right or wrong, fact or fiction are “used synonymously” to mete the best defence and gain the best income streams to elevate an already immoral high ground.

The moral compass is a thing of the past and we allow ourselves to accept gaslighting as fact, whilst clinging to the wreckage of our own gut twisting semblance when trying to remember our own regular base line for life.

https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2022/04/are-you-using-gaslight-correctly/629522/

I used to have an unhealthy relationship with silence. Personally learnt from my parents marriage and, particularly from my Father, whom was part of an extremely successful business empire with too many controlling uncles. The family dynamics were felt by everyone, including young minds and eyes that should never have been witness to horrific displays of anger and abusive incidents. I learned to shut down and withdraw from such family visits. I carried the shame and normalised violence with me from very young age.

https://herway.net/giving-someone-the-silent-treatment-speaks-volumes-about-your-character/

The trickle effect permeating me to the very core. Socially crippling within platonic friendships, workplace bullying and, within what are meant to be romantically loving involvements – violence in all its forms of abuse.

Recognising the red flags becomes easy, after the damage has been done.

Breaking the cycles are incredibly hard work. Mainly because the survivor must acknowledge the truth and leave. Putting in the hard work to repair decades of abuse that is the normal baseline of ones life is like poking at fresh surgical incisions and reinfecting wound sites under each set of fresh stitches.

Physical damage eventually heals, you will often read that psychologically , its a very long and winding road to ‘feel’ again.

Numbness is a false but often necessary guard whilst catching ones breath

@SwirlingFire 30 August 2022

Blog #104 The Sadist & The Fawn

#Blog #365Words #sb4mh #F4T #NPD #NarcissisticControl #SexualAssault #Rape #CoerciveControl #Trauma #MentalAbuse

First appeared Aug 2020.

appeared on melodyInsights.com

The majority of my writing is a creative outlet to process sexual assault / trauma resulting from suppressing #Rape within a non consensual d/s mentoring “dynamic”.

The following piece of prose is a fresh visit as new memories surface and the anniversary to “first scent of fear” approaches  (blog #9) SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear

– please exercise caution with this piece and the subject matter, may be distressing for some –

————————————————-

CONTENT ADVISORY – EXTREME

The Sadist & The Fawn

#365Words

Artist unknown – contact to add credit or if in breach of copyright

I am the calm before the storm 

the breeze that lifts your drapes

The Silent hush – impending doom

The knifeless non violent rape

his scented breath 

a questionable wrench

One’s mind slips out of gear,

The man you thought was

 quite ” the Gent “

Today,

Filling her with fear 

I am the Swirl of moments lost

The words that went unsaid

The leather collar,

 attached by chain

Tethered to A Rapists bed.

The Beast sleeps without conscience 

Designer Suits 

Expensive Names, 

he’s not what you were thinking

It’s her fault

She’s the one he blames.

Consumed with fear and nausea 

What the hell caused that?

The gentle touch to halt his hand

Sent his temper 

Swirling like flailing cricket bats

Pinned to the spot in terror

his heat

Too late.

Impaled 

Saying No

YOU

 made him behave like that!!!

It’s not easy to run

When your feet are weighted lead

I wonder when he does those things

Will the next ones be left for dead?

You really were a silly girl 

And not the first time, 

Really?

Ewwww!

You were Asking for it!!

You know it it’s TRUE!

How do you learn to live 

When horror leaves its mark?

Push it down

Don’t think

Don’t speak 

Never mention this again

You shouldn’t have 

changed your mind,

he won’t accept

 NO

he only wants his

YES

She can’t deny his hefty frame 

he is too big To fight him off, 

What’s the point in screaming 

When he wont accept “PhuqueOff”??

It’s always the same old story 

his career is on the Rise

They’ll never hear the truth you speak

Premeditation 

Pre- paving all paths with his lies

The Gaslight and the Glow

The never changing games 

the older man

the younger girl

You Idiot

You’re to blame.

Restrained on his bench 

Leather tightly binds

don’t bother discussing consent,

he won’t listen to your cries 

Your tears of fear

 will push him on

The Sadist and The Fawn

Ripping trust right from her core

“Not long now sweetie,

Daddy’s Almost done”.

Her mind floating free

Disassociation in full gear

Disrespected 

stupid bitches 

Under his spell

It’s free Reign 

To start again.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing

Many compliments to share 

Ever increasing numbers 

Such easy bait

Lining themselves up

To destroy 

he is never one to wait

he will never wait 

@ SwirlingFire 17 Aug 2020